Off the Bili Bed

We went to the doctor today to see how Lexi's jaundice is doing. It has been a very hard week for me. One thing I'm usually good at is rolling with the punches and I rarely breakdown emotionally. However, I do know that your body goes through some intense hormonal changes the weeks after giving birth and some times it is okay to breakdown a bit. With Lexi being on the bili bed, I had a hard few days mainly because she hated it and I hated that I couldn't hold her. When Tia was on the bili bed her first week of life, it seemed like a blur when I look back, but now that we are going through it again with Lexi - it just seems more sereal. Breastfeeding Lexi became an every hour occurrence because it was the only way to get her to go to sleep long enough to carefully place her on the bili bed. Only a portion of the time it worked, which means some times I had to rock her forever and then try it again. I think over the 3+ day period I was either breastfeeding Lexi, watching her sleep to make sure she was still alive, or trying to rock her to bed. I didn't get much sleep and I also had Tia to tend to as well. My mom has been staying with me and I love having her here because she is moving to Thailand in a week permanently so I cherish the time with her. However, it can be hard to have an audience when I'm getting back to parenting a newborn again. She suggests a lot of advice and as much as I know she is trying to help, I have cultivated my own way of doing things when I had Tia that I stick to. So with all that was going on with the jaundice, no sleep, hormonal changes, many parts of my body in constant pain, and some unsolicited advice - I broke down for the first time earlier yesterday. I got away to the shower and had a good, short cry. I felt better afterwards and actually was back to normal pretty quick. Then Chris and I went to the doctor's office today and just talking to the doctor about Lexi having jaundice brought up my emotional side again. The doctor must have sensed it because she asked me if I was okay and when I said a quiet yes, she said 'are you sure' and at that moment I just broke down. I was so embarrassed, but I just couldn't hold back the tears. Even taking Lexi to get her blood drawn was tough and as we walked out of the hospital, I just broke down. Poor Chris wasn't sure what to think. He wanted to know if it was him and of course it wasn't. It was just a mixture of weird emotions. No, it isn't postpartum, it is just my hormones running through. Chris was there for me and when we got home it seemed like within the hour, the doctor called to let us know that we no longer needed the bill bed. I was so happy, but my emotions were still running heavy. Then all of a sudden, I snapped out of it and cherished having my little Lexi all better, my mom staying with us, and Chris home from work to take care of me. Then I was able to hold my little Lexi all I wanted and rid the bili bed. Chris was great and put Lexi on the bili bed for a while longer after I went to nap since we still had it. I finally got a few hours of sleep and felt great. I was just so relived Lexi's jaundice was on it's way out. Emotions are good to get out of my system and I am glad I had my two good cries and hopefully that will be all the tears I shed. From here on out, only happy tears, not overwhelming feeling tears.